Why women are idiots…

I had an interesting experience last night while out in the Meatpacking District with an old friend. I couldn’t decide whether or not to blog about this because it wasn’t something I had personally done but this is too good not to share with the world. We’ve all heard men talk about it but last night I saw how women seriously can be delusional. Or just downright dumb.

So the bar, 675, is a really fun venue where you play Jenga, Pacman, Foosball…all the classics. They also have $4 Peronis and really great stout drinks, lending this “young-at-heart” bar that boasts an “unpretentious,” quite a hot spot for sexy men…and last night they were smokin’ and all in suits. Just the way I like ‘em.

Well, it wasn’t about me last night but all about this friend of a friend who was at the bar too. What a moron. So she gets scooped up by some of the aforementioned sexy men in suits. For this, I commend her. I would describe her suitor as a Bradley Cooper-Matthew McConaughey hybrid. Again, SMOKIN’. She left and about 45 minutes later, returned pretty shitfaced and stary-eyed. She told of flirting, the free drinks and a quick mention of, “Yeah, he brought up pushing a stroller and that he doesn’t wear his ring when he goes out.” She didn’t seem very scathed. This was a woman on a mission.

I walked back to the bar with her to get some more drinks. As she promptly pushed her chest so far towards his face (she was about five inches taller than thim), I thought they might pop, I happened to look over as he signed his tab. At a bar where they don’t have bottle service and boast cheap drinks, his tab was THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS. This guy had to be beyond shitty. I headed back just in awe of this drunk, sexy Matt-ley. 

Later on, when I thought the night was getting boring, Andre the giant/mistress came waltzing back to our table. I said “how’s your boy?” and I kid you not, she said, “His dick is just WAY too small.” While I was busy getting beat at Connect 4, she was just plain getting busy. I think time might have stopped when she dropped this slut bomb on me. WHAT????? She went on to describe their flirtacious stroll to the men’s room which led to her tearing his pants off. She said it was like opening that really big Christmas present under the tree and it ends up being a bunch of socks and new toothbrush. Dissapointing.

Can we rewind? The fact that this 35+ scum bag was out getting blackout when he has a child who still requires a stroller and a WIFE at home didn’t bother her but when she unwrapped his package and it was unsufficient, THAT WAS A DEALBREAKER? I actually asked her this and she said yes. She said she’d rather have a man who was married with a big schlong, than a single, emotionally available man with a less than perfect endowment. The even more confusing part of the night was that she complained the whole way back about being single and there were no good guys left.

Ladies, if you want to put an end to the single life..all the bars and the going home with random guys which leads to “emotionless” sex (which is never actually that), then it’s really easy. STOP DOING IT. Stop ignoring the fact that the guy is married and continuing into the bathroom stall where you leave your dignity in the urinal along with his tiny pee-pee. Sure, focus on your career, don’t worry about settling down so quickly and have some fun. But, here’s your problem…you’re choosing the wrong targets. All those ”impossible” good guys are there, but you aren’t finding them in bars…especially the ones with $300 tabs. Hooking up with married men? Where’s that going to lead you? A secret sex-lationship where your name is saved in his blackberry as “David Jones.” Get a grip and if you’re gonna have some fun, do it the right way. And if you want to get a boyfriend, or hell, just a date…maybe you should stop going straight for their zipper and first checking their left hand. And stay away from the bathroom. Nothing good happens there.